


on a high ledge

by plasticinedreams



Category: 13 Reasons Why (TV)
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Implied/Referenced Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Implied/Referenced Character Death, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Sexuality Crisis, justin doesn't die in this one folks, trying to fix the garbage fire that was season 4
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-06-08
Updated: 2020-06-16
Packaged: 2021-03-03 21:34:22
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 5,325
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24592378
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/plasticinedreams/pseuds/plasticinedreams
Summary: The scenes we saw and scenes we missed, but this time we get what we wanted.
Relationships: Alex Standall/Winston Williams, Charlie St. George/Alex Standall, Clay/Therapy, Justin/Not Dying, Zach Dempsey & Alex Standall, Zach Dempsey/Alex Standall
Comments: 20
Kudos: 139





	1. Winter Break

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Zach's drunk again, Alex is worried, and they end up on a roof together. (You know what happens next.)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Content Warning: Alcohol use, mentioned death, self-harm, and drug use, Zach being a little prick, and copious amounts of profanity.

Zach couldn't handle it. He was done with it all. Finals, sports, break, school, Bryce, everything. It was all too much for him. So he picked up the bottle. For a few hours, all the boy could feel was the high of the alcohol. No guilt, no pressure, no anything. Best of all? No thoughts.

It started after he beat Bryce up. When he heard the news that the boy was dead, he knew he was the murderer. Even after he turned himself in, and the police told him the injuries weren't the ultimate cause, Zach still felt guilty. Alex may have pushed him into the water, but maybe the football player would've had a chance of surviving if the shit wasn't already beaten out of him.

Drinking became a daily thing. Whenever something happened that was out of his control, he downed a few beers. It helped him forget. His friends tried to stop him, but he didn't see a point. Alcohol was better than a lot of the other shit he could do. He wasn't fucking slitting his wrists or shooting heroin in the back alley. He wasn't trying to kill himself. He wasn't that fucking stupid. Zach didn't see the problem, really. A few drinks wouldn't hurt him, not like a razor or a gun.

He was halfway through his second bottle when his sister forcefully opened his door and walked into his room.  
"May, what are you doing here? I could've been jerking off, or like- having sex or something, what the fuck?"

His sister sighed as she eyed the beer. "Your phone's been blowing up. Maybe bring it with you the next time you get shitfaced." She tossed it onto his comforter and looked at him expectantly.

"What the fuck are you still doing here?"

May rolled her eyes and sat down on the foot of his bed. "You have a life, y' know. And if I were you, I wouldn't be blowing it on some stupid way to ignore whatever's going on." She got up, grabbed the six-pack on his nightstand, and left.

"Hey-hey what the fuck!" Zach groaned and collapsed, turning on his device.

_9 new messages_

_Alex :): where r u?  
Alex :): justin gets home any minute now, wtf  
Jess: why aren't u here yet?  
Alex :): seriously dude we need u  
Charlie: did something happen bro?  
Alex :): fucking hell man, c'mon  
Alex :): just answer me so i know you didn't go die in a hole somewhere  
Jess: you better not be fucking drunk, dempsey  
Alex :): don't let justin down, dude_

His stomach churned. Zach had completely forgotten about Justin returning from rehab that day. _Typical,_ he thought. One of his friends needed him, but he was too fucked up to care. He brushed the feeling off though, took one last chug of his beer, and shuffled out the door, not before sending Alex a text back.

_omw_

______***  
______ Something was up with Zach, Alex could tell. He knew the older boy had been drinking, but at a party for his teammate's sobriety? That wasn't the Zach Alex had grown to know. The Zach that would do anything for his friends carried a facade of a shitty drunk on his back.

They all had their struggles. But Zach? Zach was a fucking mess. He hooked up with girls left and right and drank nearly constantly. But Alex had no right to judge the way someone coped. After attempted suicide then _actual murder_ , he was probably the last person who needed to get involved. Still, when Zach laid on the Jensen's couch, words blending together and eyes unfocused, spewing shit on how nothing mattered anymore, he couldn't just let it go.

 _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _***  
"__________Is it true he took on, like, a dozen guys?"  
The rumors he heard of the hours prior buzzed in Alex's head as he and Zach walked out of Liberty High.

Zach glanced over at him. "He was just pissed off."

The answer didn't satisfy him. Clay had been acting off since he was convicted, even more so once he heard the news of Monty's passing.

"He must've been mental"

Attacking Luke, Diego, and all the other football players just for wearing Monty's jersey number seemed extreme, even for the boy in question.

"Yeah, well, we're all dealing with our own shit."

"Are you dealing with it, 'cause-" a girl passed them and the dark-haired boy smiled flirtatiously. "-You seem, like, not the slightest bit worried about anything."

"Well isn't that how we're supposed to be acting? Normal?"

 _Normal?_ What bullshit was that? They murdered their ex-friend, there was no normal for them.

"You said we should be the kinds of friends that tell each other stuff."

He remembered the day when Zach found out about the gun he bought and his confession to killing Bryce. He had never been so close to someone as he was to Zach. 

"Well, there's nothing to tell ya," he turned to Alex then sighed. "Look, it's either bullshit from the football team or someone actually might know something. Either way, " he leaned against his car. "We can't do anything about it, so what does it matter?"

"It matters to me, " Alex told him. _You matter to me_ he thought but knew not to say it.

Zach looked at the other boy briefly, opened the door and got in. He hesitated for a few seconds then unlocked the passenger side. "Let's go!" He patted the red seat. "Do something!"

Alex stared at his best friend, then reluctantly got in. Zach turned the radio volume up, playing a song he knew the auburn-haired boy loved, as they drove out of sight of Liberty.

***  
Zach Dempsey was fucking insane. He only confirmed the fact when he led Alex up to the rooftop of an abandoned building and told him to get up on the ledge. Then he started walking _. On the ledge_. He told the other boy to follow. It was a dumbass idea, _one-hundred percent,_ but yet he still stood up and carefully put one foot in front of the other.

"You have to let go of the shit you can't control, or it will kill you." He kept his hands in his jacket, casually walking across the building, his dark boots echoing softly on the brick.

Alex, on the other hand, had his hands out to his sides, desperately trying to keep balance. 

"You have to make yourself forget," he took his hands out of his pockets and stretched them out to mimic Alex's. "Am I helping you to forget?"

"Yes," the smaller boy responded weakly.

 _"Gooood"_ he slurred as he jumped back onto the roof, feet making a slight thump.

Alex tried to follow suit but lost his balance. Zach quickly rushed to grab him, putting his arms on his waist to steady the other boy.

Alex had never felt as safe as he did in Zach's arms. Sparkling brown eyes bore into him, in a way he could only describe as pure bliss. His best friend looked so fucking happy, as evident by the giant smile poised on his face. Alex felt it too. Joy rippled through his body. He was intoxicated by the feeling, wanted the moment to last forever. To stay in the other boy's warm arms until the world ended. Suddenly his lips were on Zach's.

_Shit._

The kiss only lasted a few seconds. When it ended, the taller boy had a dazed expression on his face.

"Uh-" Zach patted his shoulders.

"Shit I-" 

_Shit, shit, shit._

"Wow, uh-"

"Wait-shit, oh my god, I'm so sorry!" His heart dropped.

 _What the fuck was he thinking?_ He was an idiot. Zach was straight. Fucking straight. And until that kiss, Alex was too.

"No no no-"

"Let's go!" He started walking towards the door.

_Stupid. So fucking stupid._

"Alex, no, seriously man, look, um, I don't-" He looked at Alex's hurt expression. "-Uh, I mean, I'm not into guys. Girls, I-"

"I know," he said, looking down.

 _I'm not either_.

"I know, I know, I know." Alex turned his head back to the other boy, who had backed away slightly.

"Listen, man, um..." Zach rubbed his neck. "You know that I-I care about you, right? No matter what, always"

Alex nodded softly.

"You hearing me?"

"Yeah...yeah, I should go-"

He needed to leave. He couldn't risk doing something stupid again and ruining their friendship even more.

"No! No no no, come on, we're hanging out tonight, seriously," Zach wrapped his arm around the other boy, one foot on the ledge, and laughed. "Holy shit!"

Alex chuckled quietly. They stayed like that, just grinning and looking at the city below them. But Alex's mind kept drifting back to the kiss. If he was straight, why couldn't he stop thinking about it?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm writing and editing this on my phone, so bear with me. I also have absolutely no confidence in this, but I knew the only way I'd get exactly what I wanted in a fic was to write it. I just wanted to fix Zalex this season, because the writers (at least in my opinion) majorly fucked up with them.


	2. Zach is Drunk Again, Then He's Not

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alex gets mad, Zach invites him to a concert, and they end up at Monet's. (Alex shouldn't drink caffeine this late)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This started out as a quick transition between the episodes, but I sort of got carried away.
> 
> Content Warning: This chapter is free of actual drinking, but it does reference alcohol quite a bit. There's also a reference to Alex's attempted suicide, but that's only one line. 
> 
> I didn't edit this at all, so if the structure or plot is weird I apologize in advance.

"Listen, man, about last night-" Alex needed to talk to Zach about what happened on the rooftop. 

"Alex, it's fine, dude. You don't have to bring it up."

"I'm not gay, okay? It w-was just an impulse. I mean, you were holding me, I almost died, and I-I needed to thank you, and I wasn't thinking. People do stupid shit when they aren't thinking, and-"

_You made me feel secure._

"Seriously, it's cool, man. It was a mistake, let's just forget about it." Zach lilted and gripped the shorter boy's shoulder.

Alex's breath hitched as he stared at the other boy's calloused fingers grasping his body tightly. He remembered how just hours ago, they were on his waist, steadying him.

_I just wanted to show you how safe I felt._

Zach followed his gaze. "Dude-oh shit...this is weird, isn't it?" He quickly withdrew his hand.

"No! No, I mean...you did it before we kissed. Unless you start making out with me, I don't mind," his eyes widened. "-You touching me, I mean! I don't mind you touching me! _Please don't make out with me, dude!"_

"That's too bad. I was looking forward to it!" Zach joked as he returned his hold and shook the shorter boy's shoulders, earning him an eye-roll.

They walked in silence when Alex finally spoke again. 

"So, the college tour, huh? They said in a couple days we'll be visiting Sanderson. Worth a shot applying there, y' know?" Alex had already applied to a handful of colleges, Sanderson not one of them, but he knew Zach was having trouble finding somewhere.

"I'm not going to college," the dark-haired boy snorted bitterly.

Alex looked over in surprise. "Zach, you have to go! Your mom would kill you if you don't!"

"College is bullshit, man. 13 years of learning, and for what? To pay a fortune for classes, then get a shitty office job you hate? _Fuck that_. Besides, you should see my semester grades, dude. They're _nasty._ "

"Zach-"

"Let them fail me, I honestly couldn't give less of a shit. Who the fuck needs school anyway?"

The younger boy suddenly stopped on the sidewalk. "Cut the bullshit, Zach," Alex's eyes went dark, the usually sky blue color turning a stormy gray. 

"What bullshit, Alex? Not all of us want to go to fucking _Berkeley._ I have a life."

"So drinking and doing girls is considered a life now? Guess I missed the memo." He glared at the taller boy. "At least I have a future."

"Well I wasn't the one who _shot myself,_ was I? Or did you think you had a future then, too?"

"Fuck you," Alex spoke softly. He jerked his shoulder away and quickly walked ahead of the other boy, ignoring his bewildered expression. 

"Alex! Wait I-" 

But Alex was already too far away to hear.

***

In retrospect, walking away from his only ride home was a bad idea. When he had started, he was too pissed off to care. 20 minutes in, Alex was just plain annoyed. So when he saw a certain boy's _stupid fucking Audi_ driving in his direction, it took everything in him to tune out the honks.

"Yo, dude, get the fuck in!" Zach rolled his window down and yelled at the other boy.

"I'm not your charity case, man. I can walk home, I don't need you to drive me," Alex limped further down the sidewalk.

"Dude, you're still like two miles away. It's the middle of January, man, you'll freeze in that outfit." 

It was true. Alex was wearing a thin flannel over a black t-shirt, and his fingers had already gone numb in the time he'd been outside.

"I've made it this far, haven't I?" 

They weren't talking about walking anymore.

"Alex, c'mon. I'm sorry about the stuff I said earlier, I just-" he sighed. "I'm just dealing with some shit."

"We're all dealing with shit, Zach, but none of us have become complete assholes." 

The older boy got out and leaned against his car. "I know, I just-I was hoping to get a football scholarship, y'know? Then Bryce busted my knee and then what? It's not like I'm getting into college on grades alone. So I figured I might as well have fun while high school lasts. Then everyone started getting on my back about it, and what am I supposed to do?"

"Quit?" the brown-haired boy offered.

" _I don't want to_. I mean, it's fun. It takes my mind off things."

"Yeah, I'm sure it'll be _fun_ when they're pumping your stomach because you drank too much."

"You see, the difference between those guys who need that and me is that they didn't know when to stop."

"And you do?" He looked at Zach with disbelief.

"Alex," Zach wrapped an arm around his flannel-covered shoulder and rattled the boy. "My dear old friend, _of course_ I know when to stop. I don't have a problem like they do. _I_ could sober up today if I wanted to."

"Really? Then do it," Alex crossed his arms.

"What?"

"If you want me to get in your car, stop now. After all, _you_ were the one who said it's easy to quit. No drinks for the rest of the day. I'm not going to trust an alcoholic to be my chauffeur."

A few moments passed, and suddenly Zach was opening the passenger seat. "Deal." 

Alex's eyebrows scrunched. "I'm not your _girlfriend,_ dude. I can get my own door."

"Hey, you coming or what?" 

***

_5 new messages_

_Zachary: hey dude can we hang out tonight?_

_Zachary: listen, i know you're probably still mad, but i have an extra ticket to may's orchestra recital and i was wondering if you could come_

_Zachary: i don't wanna be bored to death by myself man_

_Zachary: afterward we could go to monet's or smth_

_Zachary: no drinking, i swear_

Alex read the texts over and over. Why he had dropped him off, then mere minutes later asked him to hang out, he didn't have a clue. But it was Zach, the boy wasn't exactly known for his amazing intellect. He was right though, the younger boy _was_ still a little mad. But making him go to an orchestra concert alone? That was just straight-up _torture_.

_fine. but ur paying dempsey_

A few seconds later he got a text back

_Zachary: anything for you babe <3_

His stomach fluttered. It wasn't uncommon for the other boy to joke about things like that, but now it felt _different_ , more intimate _._ The kiss kept replaying as a constant loop in his head. Zach's mouth tasted of peppermint and alcohol, no doubt from the gum he was always chewing at school to avoid suspicion. It would be disgusting, really, had they not been in a near-death situation. Alex hated the taste of alcohol. But that was the last thing on his mind at that moment. Maybe it was how surprisingly soft the other boy's lips were, or how Zach was holding on to his waist like the world would end if he let go, but he _liked_ the kiss.

Then the reality of the situation kicked in. So he pulled away. Alex, a boy, had kissed his best friend, also a boy, and enjoyed it. But he liked girls, not guys, so why? It had to be misplaced feelings. Alex was scared, Zach saved him, so he kissed the boy to show he was grateful. That was the only explanation, _right?_

***

May's recital was a bust. Not even ten minutes in and Zach was already dozing off to the sweet sounds of the cello. As he was closing his eyes, a painful jab in his side jolted him awake. Alex had elbowed him, exasperated eyes and a slight smile gracing his lips. 

"Dude, it's your sister we came to watch. The least you could do is pretend to be interested," he joked as he crossed his arms.

Zach was glad he asked Alex to come with him. His mother had bought two tickets, one for each of them, but had to cancel because of a work meeting that was scheduled the same night. So when she gave him the option of refunding the ticket or taking someone else, he jumped to the second choice. Alex was as far away from a classical music guy as one could get, but he was the only person Zach could imagine bringing. 

"Hey, May is about to go on," the brown-haired boy nudged his shoulder and pointed at the stage. She sat there nervously with one hand on the neck of her violin, the other holding a bow. Zach quickly waved to get her attention, then gave her a dramatic wink and thumbs up. Alex soon copied him, and the girl flashed back a grateful smile.

"Don't fall back asleep, man. I'm not afraid to poke you again."

"Alex Standall, is that a threat?"

"Maybe. Wouldn't want to find out, would we?"

***

"You were so good!" Zach rushed up to his sister and wrapped his arms around her small frame.

She looked up questionably. "You don't stink," she said with her eyebrows raised.

"Hey!"

"Of alcohol, I mean. Were you chugging mouthwash again to cover up the smell?

"No, May. I haven't had any today. It's your special night, I wasn't going to mess it up by being drunk."

"Really, 'cause 'special nights' haven't stopped you before. Remember last recital? Or Justin's party? What's the real reason?" She glared at her brother.

He sighed. "Alex said some shit...about me drinking," he looked down.

"Are you trying to get better? Or are you just trying to get him off your back?" May took her hands off the taller boy.

"I'm not! I mean...I-I don't know. Alex wouldn't stop bugging me about it, and I-"

"Enough about Alex, okay? He isn't the only one who wants you to be sober."

"I did this for you May..." Zach trailed off but didn't meet her eyes. 

_Liar._

"You did it for Alex." She took a few steps away from the boy then glanced back. "Have fun with your best friend tonight. I'm sure he'll appreciate spending time with the real you before you inevitably get drunk again."

She saw his defeated eyes and softened her tone. "I'll be at Gabbie's for the night. Don't worry about driving me home, her dad can handle it." May turned around and walked over to the stage, where a few girls were talking excitedly.

"Hey, what did I miss?" Alex tapped Zach's shoulder. He gestured at May laughing with the other performers, occasionally catching their eye and going silent.

"May's just pissed, that's all." The smaller boy's eyes tinged with worry but didn't say anything. "Hey, speaking of, how was _your_ piss?"

The worried look faded, quickly replaced with annoyance.

"Did you know there's only one bathroom here? Two floors and only one fucking bathroom!"

"As much as I'd love to hear you rant about a middle school's architectural problems, I think we both deserve Monet's. Went through the menu once already, how 'bout take two?

***

"Dude, what the fuck, it's 7 pm," Zach laughed as the boy in front of him sipped his coffee. Alex took his lips off his iced Americano and smiled.

"It's only like, three shots of espresso!"

"At 8 pm. Are you _shooting for_ _sleep deprivation_ ?"

"Are you _shooting for a sugar crash?"_ the younger boy mocked. Zach looked down at his own mug, a large hot chocolate with extra whipped cream.

"Oh shut up! At least it's not alcohol!" His voice was humorous, but the words carried weight. It went quiet for a moment.

"Yeah," Alex gazed at him, a serious glint in his eyes. "I'm proud of you, really. It's the first time I've seen you sober since the Bryce thing."

"Well, don't get used to it. There's a vodka tonic with my name on it as soon as the day is over."

Alex frowned and clicked his nails against the glass. "Why do you do it?" His fingers turned red from the cold.

"Drink? I already told you, man, it's fun."

"I don't get what's fun in it. That shit you usually have makes me want to vomit."

"Well, luckily you don't need to taste it." He flicked a piece of whipped cream at the younger boy.

"Unless I decide to kiss you again."

"Yeah, but would it be worth it? Just to have that awful taste back in your mouth?"

"I don't know, hot chocolate tastes pretty good to me."

Zach let out a soft snort. "Don't press your luck, Standall."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was supposed to be posted yesterday, but I wrote over half of this in one sitting then forgot to save my draft, so I had to rewrite most of it. I like this version a lot better though? I don't know, I think the dialogue is better.


	3. College Tour

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Zach ditches the Sanderson tour, Alex gets closer to Winston, and maybe kissing guys _wasn't_ a straight thing (Who knew?)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Howdy y'all, it's been a hot minute.  
> Content warning: Mentions of suicide and attempted suicide

"Okay, so then the plan is they do the headcount, we ditch the tour, we go to the boathouse, steal a shell, and then float it out. I mean, that part of the river is right before the falls. It's gonna be great."

Alex shook his head. "This is, like, the worst possible time to do something like-"

"Or..." Zach lifted his jacket and turned to the other boy. "...is it the best time?"

"No, I'm correct that it's the worst time, given everything."

Zach knew he had a point. 

"Everything's fine."

_Lie._

"Everything's fucked!"

"Same thing."

_Not really._

"Someone's messing with us, at the very least," Alex lowered his voice. "If they know enough to mess with us, they know too much."

"They don't know. Or maybe they do, I don't know. Either way, wouldn't life be better if it just came out?"

"How?" 

But Zach had already gotten on the bus.

***

"Dude, Ms. Oakley is so pissed at us!" Alex laughed and took a seat next to the dark-haired boy.

"Man, fuck Ms. Oakley. She's failing me in English," Zach leaned up against the window seat.

"I think attending class is a passing requirement, dude."

"Like I said before, school is bullshit. Now, if you'd excuse me, I've got some Z's to catch before the supreme bore-fest." With his eyes closed and lips parted, it was hard to believe the guy beside Alex was the same person who came to school with a flask every day.

"Yeah...good talk." 

***

Telling Clay he'd watch over Tyler proved to be a mistake when only a few minutes into the tour the younger boy ditched Alex to go take pictures of buildings. 

"He _loooves_ his architecture."

 _Winston Williams._ The boy had transferred to Liberty from Hillcrest that semester. He and Tyler had become quick friends bonding over taking pictures for Yearbook. Alex didn't trust him. Something about Winston rubbed him the wrong way. It seemed like the photographer _wanted something_ from his friend. 

"You guys been friends for a while?"

"Uh...kind of since last year," he looked over at the black-haired boy. "He's a good guy. He's strange sometimes."

"Can be a little awkward," Winston provided.

"Yeah, though not as awkward as Jeremy the tour guide."

Jeremy was a student at Sanderson and was showing Group 2 around. Alex had never heard of a bioengineering/modern dance major until him, and probably for good reason.

"He actually did the 'air quotes'" 

"Maybe it was modern dance," Winston joked and they continued walking.

"Yeah."

_Maybe Winston wasn't so bad after all._

***

"So, enjoying your first college party?"

"Well, given we snuck into a fraternity at my dad's college on a tour, I don't think it actually counts," Clay swirled the brown liquid in his cup around. Music blasted all around them, and the yells of other partygoers nearly drowned out his voice.

"Of course it counts, man! Now stop playing with your beer and drink up. There's a game starting in a few minutes." Zach took his and downed it in one big gulp.

"We should really go before someone catches us and we get in trouble."

"Seriously, dude? Our permanent records are already fucked by now. I'm going to look for something harder." 

***

"But, one the other hand, it must be kind of nice coming to a school where no one knows your history."

The tour had ended, and Alex and Winston found a bench in an open field to sit and talk on until the buses left.

"Um...yeah. Well, that's true."

"Yeah, sometimes I wish that...I mean, I don't know."

"What? What do you wish?" Winston set his backpack on the ground and took a seat on the bench.

"There's just...a lot of shit I wished never happened."

"Like what?"

_Killing Hannah. Killing Bryce. Framing Monty. Everything._

"Oh, like, um..." Alex stopped for a moment. "I tried to kill myself."

He had just met the other boy, but for some reason, he felt safe talking to him about that kind of stuff.

"Oh Jesus I-I'm sorry."

"Yeah, yeah, me too. _Hugely_." There was a long pause. _Shit._ "Sorry, I didn't mean to make it awkward, I just don't talk about it very often," he sighed and glanced at Winston.

"No, it's not awkward," the photographer stared into his eyes. "You should talk about it."

Alex nodded slightly.

"Sorry I got quiet, I just-"

"Well, I mean, what can you say to that?" The brown-haired boy chuckled softly.

"I'm glad you're alive?"

"Thanks, yeah," Alex moved his gaze to the bench below him. "Yeah, me too."

"And I'm sorry that I didn't stay at that party last summer, just to make sure you were okay after Monty, y'know? I just...I needed to get out of there."

"No, I get it."

"You know, Monty beat the shit out of me once."

"Why?" Winston questioned.

"It's complicated."

_My friend Hannah killed herself last year. He nearly ran me over, and I got pissed off because he could've killed me, and he didn't give a shit, just like nobody gave a shit about all the terrible stuff they did to Hannah until she died._

Yeah... _complicated._

After a few seconds of silence, the black-haired boy inched his hand closer to the other's, soon covering it. Alex saw the gesture and felt his breathing stop. _He didn't want to let go._

"Um..." he slipped his hand from under Winston's. "Sorry I'm not-I'm not gay."

"Oh," Winston let out a disappointed sigh. "Shit. I thought maybe, uh..."

"No."

_I don't know anymore._

"Don't feel bad...it's okay," he mumbled.

A short chuckle escaped Winston's lips. "Okay."

***

"Don't know why a frat house called a seclearity line. Secu-security line," Clay slurred.

Zach snorted and elbowed the other boy. "Are you still drunk?"

"I stay drunk a really long time."

"Oh," he muttered, then raised his voice. "Man, what the fuck is up with you?"

"What the fuck is up with you?"

"Fair point," Zach responded. They both _were_ pretty messed up.

"Shit like this cannot happen. You gotta be fucking careful, Zach."

"Careful? Yeah, I've been careful my whole damn life, Clay," he shook his head.

For 18 years, he had tried to be the perfect son. To make his mother proud after his dad died sophomore year. But he was fucking done with it. Zach had admitted to himself he had no future, so why couldn't everyone else leave him alone?

"Zach, you didn't do it, did you?" the older boy stared in confusion. "The graffiti?"

It took a while for the words to register. "Fuck, no. Wha-How the fuck could you even ask me that?" 

_Was he really that type of person?_

***

"Zachary Shan-Yung Dempsey, what on _Earth_ were you thinking?" his mother glared at her son, disappointment evident in her voice.

"I don't know mom, I just-"

"And with Clay Jensen of all people? That boy is bad news! I bet he made you go in with him, didn't he?"

"No, actually," he slammed his fist onto the kitchen counter. "I was the one who pressured him, okay? I'm not the perfect fucking son you thought you had."

Karen tensed up. "Well, I'm sure you had a good reason to sneak into that party."

"I snuck in to get drunk."

"What?"

"I snuck in to get drunk, mom! I've been drinking every fucking day! Maybe open your fucking eyes for once!" 

And with that, Zach grabbed his jacket, left the house, and didn't stop driving.

***

"When did you know that you were gay?"

The question caught Tony off guard. "Uh..." he sighed. "Well, I always knew. I always knew I was different, from a-a pretty young age. I just didn't know how. I mean, it was hard to find out, growing up how I did, where I did. Being a man is a...particular way. So, no one to ask about it. I tried things with girls pretty early on. Nothing really ever came of anything."

"Never?"

He thought about his relationship with Jessica. Alex loved her, that was for sure, but he wasn't convinced he was _in love with her._

"No. I always felt like I was uh...like I was playing a role or something, 'cause I wasn't feeling what I was supposed to be feeling. Then I started feeling shit for boys. And that's how I knew."

The night on the rooftop, where he kissed Zach. He had never felt that way kissing Jessica. When Winston held his hand, his heart beat faster than when any girl did. 

Maybe he _was_ gay.

It wasn't until after they were done training when Alex brought it up again. They were in Tony's Mustang, stopped at a red light when he just said it.

"I-I think...I think I'm feeling shit for boys."

***

"Hey," Zach walked over and sat by Chloe on the steps. "Thanks for meeting me."

"I'm surprised you actually made it. I thought you were gonna stand me up for the third time," the blonde girl expressed, focusing on the pavement in front of her.

"Yeah, I'm uh, I'm sorry about that. I just...I had a lot of things...going on." he sighed.

"A lot of what? Driving around and drinking?" Chloe challenged.

Zach's voice broke. "Just...school and shit."

"Zach, what's going on? This is not the way you are."

"What's not the way I am?" 

_I'm being a shit person, seems like it's exactly the way I am._

"Like, not showing up? Not calling?" she fixed her eyes on the boy. "Not looking at me?"

"Um..." Zach let out a shaky sigh and tried to move his gaze, but couldn't. He pressed his hands to his face, attempting to hide the tears that were forming.

"Oh Zachy," Chloe whispered. "Zach, what is it?"

His words got caught in his throat. "Shit's just..." he sniffled. "Shit's just fucked up."

"What do you mean? Tell me what happened, and we'll figure out a way to fix it." 

"No. No, no there's no..." Zach shook. "There's no fixing this."

A choking sob escaped his lips. "Nothing can fix this."

"Zach-"

"I just want shit to go away!"

"It'll be okay, Zachy. I'll help you and..."

"No!" he could no longer conceal the wetness running down his cheeks anymore. "You can't help me! No one can help me! I'm fucked, okay! _I'm fucked!"_

"Zachy..." the blonde moved closer to the boy, wrapping her arms around his trembling frame.

" _I'm fucked."_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ew, I really don't like this chapter, but needed to get something out or I'll completely abandon this fic. Zach breaking down in front of Chloe is one of my favorite scenes of his in the whole series, so I wanted to expand on it a little. I feel like they could've done so much with his character this season, but it all fell sort of flat, so I'm trying to fix it. Keep in mind I'm not a professional writer at all, though.  
> also, I started a new series "i used to waste my time dreaming of being alive (now i only waste it dreaming of you)". the first part is out now. I think it's a lot better than this one, but ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯


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